


They Lit Up the World

by Fallen_Angel_Meg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Kid Fic, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7644076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_Angel_Meg/pseuds/Fallen_Angel_Meg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for the SPN Writing Challenge [July 2016]<br/>Theme: Summer<br/>Prompt: Fireflies</p>
    </blockquote>





	They Lit Up the World

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the SPN Writing Challenge [July 2016]  
> Theme: Summer  
> Prompt: Fireflies

**Eight Years Old**  
  
Stars shimmer and sparkle in the dark blanket of black above Castiel, the air alive with a chorus of chirping crickets and singing cicadas while fireflies put on a flickering light show around him. He lays on his back, hands tucked behind his head as he takes in the peacefulness of the summer night. It’s hot and humid, the moisture clinging heavily to his skin, but he’s perfectly content.  
  
He does wish his brother would join him out here, maybe to search for pictures in the stars or simply lay here in silence and just be. Just listen to the world around them while taking in the sights it has to offer.  
  
But no. Gabriel ‘has better things to do than sit like a weirdo in the backyard and get eaten by mosquitos’. And as much as Castiel’s enjoying his time out here, he’s so lonely.  
  
He sighs softly to himself. He knows he’s different than most kids his age. Any other eight year old would be bored to tears laying out here by themselves. He likes it though. He likes the quiet and taking in everything around him, thoughts constantly swarming around in his mind. His only wish is to have a friend to share it all with.  
  
“Psst!” a voice hisses to him and he stiffens, eyes darting around for the source but finding nothing. He forces himself to relax. Maybe his head’s messing with him.  
  
“Hey!” the voice calls and Castiel immediately sits up. He definitely did not imagine that.  
  
“Wh-who’s there?” he stammers while trying not to jump to frightening conclusions. He looks around but it’s too dark to see much of anything. He purposely left the patio light off so he could better see the stars.  
  
“Over here,” the voice answers and Castiel nervously follows it to the neighboring fence line.  
  
“I don’t see you…” He scans the top of the fence line for anyone peaking over but there’s no one.  
  
“Right in front of you!” the voice says loudly, making Castiel jump and it laughs. “You’re kinda jumpy, aren’t ya?”  
  
Castiel huffs under his breath but his eyes fall on a small hole in the fence where the person must be on the other side. He leans forward to peak into the hole only to see another eye staring back at him and he jumps again, a small noise escaping him. This only makes the voice laugh more.  
  
“It’s not funny,” Castiel pouts, crossing his arms. “What are you doing peeping into my yard?”  
  
“I wanted to say hi. Me and my dad and my brother just moved here. I’m Dean.”  
  
Castiel still isn’t sure about this kid- Dean- but if his mother were here, she’d tell him not to be rude and he regretfully gives his own introduction. “I’m… I’m Castiel.”  
  
He hates introducing himself. Not only does he act weird for his age, but other kids make fun of his name too. Or- in Gabriel’s case- give him embarrassing pet names like Cassie. Which then gets him teased even more because it sounds like a girl name.  
  
“Castiel? That’s an interesting name,” Dean comments and he frowns. Great, another kid to make fun of him. And he’s gotta live next to him for however long that’ll-  
  
“I like it.”  
  
His thoughts immediately freeze, unsure if he heard it correctly. “Wh-What?”  
  
“I said I like your name. I think it sounds cool,” Dean says.  
  
Castiel can barely form a word because… well, no one’s ever said that to him before. No one’s ever told him his name was interesting- at least without that trace of uncertainty to their voice. “Um, thank you,” he manages to get out.  
  
“Hey Castiel, can I come over? You have a crap load of lightning bugs in your yard that I want to catch.”  
  
Castiel casts a glance towards the backdoor. It’s probably past his curfew and it’s definitely past the time he’s allowed to have friends over. But… technically, Dean isn’t his friend. They’ve only just met. The excuse is weak and he knows it, but now he’s eager to meet the boy on the other side of the fence who thinks his name is cool.  
  
“How will you get over here? I’d let in you through the gate but I’m not allowed to have people over this late,” he says dejectedly. There’s no way Dean could climb over the tall fence that separates them without going through the gate that squeaks too loudly when opened. His parents would certainly hear it.  
  
Dean hums for a moment and then Castiel hears his fingers snap. “I could climb the tree in the corner of my yard. I think it hangs a little over the fence.”  
  
Castiel glances over to see the dark outline of the tree and sure enough, the branches lean over the fence and into his yard. He’s still doubtful though. “But what if you fall?”  
  
Dean snorts, the sound already moving away from him. “I won’t fall.”  
  
“I don’t know, Dean-“ he starts to say before the leaves rustle as Dean starts his climb. “Be careful!”  
  
He runs to the corner of the yard and searches the dark shape of the tree until he finally spots Dean’s outline struggling in the branches. “You’re gonna fall,” he says, voice getting shrill with worry.  
  
And then there’s a thump next to him. He turns, expecting to find Dean’s body sprawled out on the ground but instead, he’s staring into his eyes. It’s too dark to make out many features, but he can see enough to decide Dean is cute.  
  
“Hi.”  
  
Castiel’s mouth twitches into a small smile, cheeks warming. “Hello, Dean.”  
  
“What are you doing out here this late anyway? It’s really hot, ya know.”  
  
Castiel shrugs. “There’s no clouds. I wanted to watch the stars.”  
  
Dean chuckles. “By yourself?”  
  
Castiel frowns, looking away. “My brother refused to join me.”  
  
“Oh,” Dean’s voice softens and they stand there quietly for a moment. Castiel decides to speak up before it gets too awkward.  
  
“So, you’re interested in my fireflies? Why?”  
  
Castiel can barely see it in through the darkness, but Dean grins. “Sammy –he’s my little brother- and I were watching them from my bedroom window. He thinks they’re fairies. He wanted to go outside and see them up close but Dad wouldn’t let us.”  
  
“So you snuck out?”  
  
Dean’s shoulders shrug gently. “Yeah. Sam’s been bummed about us moving again, so if sneaking out to catch a firefly will make him happy, then I gotta do it.”  
  
Castiel tilts his head. “Even if you get in trouble?”  
  
He’s not exactly one to judge Dean for disobeying his father- Castiel is currently disobeying his parent’s wishes by being out here past curfew _and_ having someone over without their permission. But it’s not like he’d risk getting in trouble for Gabriel. If he disobeys, it’s for himself.  
  
The corner of Dean’s mouth pulls upwards. “Absolutely.” His smirk falls the slightest bit and that edge of arrogance to his voice softens. “Just don’t tell on me, okay?”  
  
Castiel nods. “I won’t. I promise.”  
  
Dean’s wide grin is back on his face at Castiel’s firm answer. “Good. Now, do you want to help me catch a firefly?”  
  
Castiel bites his lip softly, feeling touched by such a simple request. Someone actually wants _his_ help, put their trust in _him_. “Of course.”  
  
They spend the next ten minutes running around the yard, trying to cup their hands around the blinking, yellow lights without hurting them and laughing only to shush the other so their presence outside is kept a secret. Castiel even snags Gabriel’s small bug container so they have somewhere to put their captured lightning bugs.  
  
Eventually, Dean steps onto the low brick wall that encloses their small flower garden and hulls himself back over the fence. Castiel makes a mental note to hide a boulder over there so Dean has a better reach for next time.  
  
Wow… He’s already thinking of next time.  
  
They meet at the hole in their shared fence and Castiel reaches up on his tiptoes to push the bug container over the top.  
  
“Okay, you can drop it. I’ll catch it,” Dean tells him and Castiel lets go.  
  
“Are they okay?”  
  
“Yeah, seems like it. Thanks again for helping me,” Dean tells him.  
  
A fuzzy feeling fills him. “You’re welcome, Dean.”  
  
“Maybe we can hang out tomorrow?” Is that hope in Dean’s voice?  
  
Castiel smiles. “I’d like that.”  
  
“Awesome! See ya tomorrow, Cas.”  
  
Just then, a light illuminates through the hole in the fence and Castiel’s finally able to green eyes and sun-kissed freckles that suggest the skin has seen much sunlight with a lopsided smile that immediately falls off Dean’s face. Those smiling green eyes widen and Castiel only sees this through the dimmed light before Dean is spinning around, hands keeping the container hidden behind him.  
  
“Dean, what the hell are you doing out here? I told you to stay inside,” a voice thunders.  
  
“I’m sorry, sir. I was just-“  
  
“Inside. _Now_ ,” the man growls and Dean instantly starts walking towards the house.  
  
“Bye Dean,” Castiel whispers after him. His stomach is a pit of worry and concern but it disappears when Dean tosses a crooked grin over his shoulder along with a wink.  
  
Castiel smiles to himself and takes this as his cue to hurry inside his own house before either of his parents come out looking for him.  
  
He lays in bed that night unable to keep the smile off his face.  
  
A friend.  
  
He’s finally found a friend. And suddenly the world seems much less lonely.  
  


*****

  
**Twelve Years Old**

Castiel knocks on the door, trying to stifle the nervousness that churns his stomach. He never feels nervous coming over to this house, but tonight, knowing that there will be other people here that he doesn’t exactly know, stirs up some anxiety.

But he’s here for Dean.

He listens to the thumping footsteps before the door swings open to reveal an eight year old Sam.

“Hey Cas! It’s weird to see you at the front door,” Sam smiles brightly at him. It puts his nerves at ease.

He chuckles softly. “I agree. I think I prefer the tree climbing better. It’s more fun.”

Ever since that first night he met Dean, it’s been a silent agreement that they climb the trees in their yards to jump the tall fence that divides them. It’s almost weird when the doorbell rings and it’s Dean standing on the other side, just as it is for Castiel now.

Sam steps aside and leads Castiel to the backyard where there are some kids his age milling about while Dean and his father, John, are busy trying to build a teepee of wood in the fire pit. He doesn’t miss the way both of them eye the unlit wood apprehensively, and it’s understandable.

Dean told him about what happened to his mother and always seemed uneasy whenever he came over for bonfires with his family. Once Castiel connected the pieces, he started offering to go to the park instead or watching movies inside whenever Gabriel seemed to be determined to burn down the neighborhood with obnoxious bonfires.

So Castiel’s curious why this bonfire tonight is happening. Whatever the reason, he will be here in case it becomes too much for Dean.

Dean tears his distracted gaze from the fire pit to Castiel and a smile breaks out over his face. “Hey, Cas! You came!”

Castiel snorts, moving to stand beside him. “Is there any reason why I wouldn’t?”

Dean shrugs, keeping his eyes on his father as he lights the fire. Once John has a steady flame going he calls Dean over to him, whispering a few things to him before announcing to everyone else that if they need anything, he’d be inside.

Everyone moves their lawn chairs to circle the fire, clamoring for sticks to begin roasting marshmallows with. Castiel automatically moves to claim the chair next to Dean but stops short when a girl with dark hair takes the spot instead.

Lisa Braeden.

How could Castiel have missed seeing her here? It’s not like he hates her or anything but… he usually prefers when she’s nowhere near Dean. He’d sit on Dean’s other side but Sam is there, which is no surprise. Dean won’t let him sit anywhere else. He finds a spot across the fire- way too far from Dean- next to Benny Lafitte, who Castiel has a sort of rivalry with, though he’s not exactly sure why.

So far, this bonfire is not going in Castiel’s favor.

“Thanks for letting us have the bonfire here tonight, Dean. I would’ve been so sad if we couldn’t find another house to do it at,” Lisa smiles bashfully at him and it makes Castiel’s stomach twist.

So that’s why Dean’s having this bonfire. For Lisa Braeden.

The two have been flirting with each other for half a year now and Dean talks about her a lot. Castiel has to walk the halls at school listening to how everyone thinks they’d be ‘so cute’ together and ‘did you hear Dean and Lisa got caught passing notes in class?’

It makes him sick.

He tries to ignore the talk and even though he pastes on a fake smile for Dean when he talks about her, he can’t stand it. He doesn’t want to hear about how Dean has a crush on Lisa and ‘isn’t she so pretty, Cas? I think she likes me back!’

Castiel would be a terrible liar if he denied having feelings for Dean, his best friend. Ever since that first night four years ago when Dean called to him through the fence, Castiel has been completely taken by him. Originally, he thought that fuzzy feeling was caused by finally having someone who wanted to spend time with him, to talk with him- a friend.

But then he started realizing that maybe it was more. He’s fairly certain people don’t think about how cute their friends are, or how butterflies tickle their stomachs whenever their friends emerge from that tree they use to get into each other’s backyard.

He asked Gabriel about it- a hypothetical situation, of course because he knew he’d make fun of him otherwise. He pieced it together anyway and told him it sounds like he has a crush followed by lots of teasing. That was last year and his crush is only getting worse.

“Yeah, no problem,” Dean smiles easily at her and Castiel has to tear his gaze away from them.

He endures this for two hours, using most of that time to watch the dulled fireflies dance around them instead of looking at the bonfire now that he knows the reason it’s flickering with life. He’s thankful that Charlie Bradbury is on his other side- a girl with red hair that’s always nice to him and one of Dean’s closest friends. She chats with him throughout the night, providing a good distraction form the sight that lies just beyond the fire.

He reaches his breaking point when he hears Lisa give an exceptionally loud giggle and he looks up to see a s’more in her hand and a smear of chocolate on Dean’s lips. He goes completely numb as he watches Lisa close the space between her and Dean, their lips meeting and he can barely see the swipe of a tongue lick away the trace of chocolate.

“Get a room!” Sam complains, wrinkling his nose but everyone else starts laughing.

“Shut up, bitch,” Dean smirks at him and Sam crosses his arms, muttering “Jerk” under his breath.

Castiel’s not sure how it happens, but he’s suddenly on his feet and headed towards the backdoor.

“Cas? Where are you going?” Dean calls after him and when Castiel looks over his shoulder, he sees Dean up out of his chair and following after him with scrunched eyebrows.

He smiles, although he’s not sure how convincing it is. “Sorry, I forgot that Mom wanted me home early tonight. If I disobey again, she’ll ground me.”

Lies. Such lies.

Dean frowns. “Oh, okay. Um, thanks for coming,” he looks down at his feet, suddenly seeming nervous. “It helped… having you here,” he adds quieter so only Castiel could hear.

He feels his throat close up at the implication. Him being here helped Dean. He feels like a jerk for abruptly leaving when apparently he’s helped ease Dean’s fear. He did this though, and he has to follow through. Besides, he has Lisa to comfort him. Apparently, it is no longer Castiel’s job.

“I’ll see you later,” Castiel can barely manage a whisper, giving a wave to the others before passing through Dean’s house. He catches John in his usual chair and Castiel waves to him. “Thank you for having us over, Mr. Winchester.”

John lifts the bottle in his hands and gives Castiel a smile. “Hey Castiel, thanks for coming. Tell your folks I say hi, okay?”

He nods before exiting the house and running back home, even though it’s only a few feet away.

He ignores Gabriel’s greeting from the couch in the living room to go straight to his room where he immediately changes into his pajamas and curls up in his bed. It’s much too early for bed, but he has no doubt he won’t get much sleep tonight. He rolls over on his side to stare out the window next to his bed that overlooks his backyard.

He counts the number of fireflies that blink in the yard to help clear his mind. He gets to one hundred and twenty two before he falls asleep.

*****

  
**Seventeen Years Old**

Castiel relaxes back into the couch, pulling his book closer to his face. Dean always yells at him that he’ll mess up his eyes reading so close, but he can’t help it. He gets so immersed in the stories. Sometimes he wishes that he could be in a different world than the one he’s trapped in now. But then again, how much fun would that be if Dean wasn’t there with him?

He shakes his head, the absent thoughts snapping him right out of his escape and back to reality. These useless musings about Dean need to stop. Besides being his best friend, Dean’s a taken man. Has been since they were twelve, and Castiel would have to have an extreme case of denial to ignore that fact given he witnessed the kiss that sealed the deal.

But here he is at seventeen and he’s been bitterly jealous of Lisa Braeden ever since they were twelve.

Pathetic.

If he had any sense, he would’ve told Dean long ago they can’t be friends anymore because it just… it hurts. It hurts knowing that Dean is in love- and yes, Castiel does believe Dean’s in love even though he’s never told him he was- with someone else that isn’t Castiel. He wants more than anything for it to be him. But unfortunately, life isn’t like the many books he drowns himself in. There’s no way in hell Dean could ever offer him more than the close bond of friendship they’ve shared throughout the years.

Yes, if Castiel had any sense whatsoever, he’d leave Dean behind and finally get off the rollercoaster of pining and heartbreak. Too bad he’s too weak to do it.

A strange sound weasels its way into Castiel’s thoughts and he sets the book down, glancing at whatever Gabriel has playing on the TV. His mouth drops open, a choked sound coming out before he’s able to form words.

“Gabriel, what the hell is this?”

Gabriel turns his attention from the screen to Castiel, smile spreading wide across his face. “A porno!”

Castiel snorts. “Yes, I see that. Why are you watching it in here?”

“I asked if you wouldn’t mind I play it in here since my lap top’s busted and you said it was fine.”

“I was _reading_. You know I barely pay attention when I read,” he groans.

Gabriel laughs, leaning back into the couch. “Too bad, Cassie. Mom and Dad will be gone all weekend so this is my time to watch porn on the big screen.”

A rapping at the back door cuts through the disturbing sounds filling the living room and Castiel practically leaps off the couch, grabbing at anything to get him out of here.

“Turn it down before the neighbors hear,” Castiel calls over his shoulder as he makes his way through the house.

When he opens the back door, he finds Dean sitting to the side in one of the patio chairs, hunched over with his face in his hands. Castiel’s smile that formed while opening the door drops instantly and he rushes outside, closing the door behind him.

Something is wrong.

“Dean?” He’s very much aware of the heavy worry in his voice. Dean looks up at him, eyes reddened and he smiles- a sad smile that breaks Castiel’s heart.

“Cas, hey. Sorry I didn’t call before coming over.”

Castiel frowns, moving to sit in the chair beside him. “Dean, you never have to call. You know that.”

He shrugs. “I know but…”

Castiel resists all urges to reach out and touch him, to give physical comfort. He has no idea what could be wrong, but it doesn’t matter. Dean’s upset and all he wants to do is make him feel better.

“What happened?”

Dean’s sad smile falls from his lips and he looks down again. “It’s Sam. He… He ran away.”

Castiel’s eyes widen. “W-What? What do you mean ran away?”

“I mean he left. He’s just… gone.”

Castiel’s eyebrows knit together because he just doesn’t understand. He’s aware that things have been tense in the Winchester household for some time now and Sam’s talked about running away, but every kid says stuff like that. Castiel had no idea he actually would…

“Do you know where he could’ve gone?” he asks quietly, still stunned by the news.

Dean shakes his head. “I called his friends but they haven’t seen him since school let out last week. I thought he might’ve used one of Dad’s credit cards to go somewhere, but they’re all still there. That son of bitch used cash so we couldn’t find him.”

A quiet settles over the back yard, the night growing thick around them. Castiel wants to reassure Dean that everything will be fine, but the words won’t give Dean any comfort. It’s not what he wants to hear anyway.

“Cas, I’m scared. What if something happens to him? What if…” Dean pauses to clear his throat and Castiel’s certain he’s holding back tears. When he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper. “What if he doesn’t come back?”

And that’s what makes Castiel throw everything out the window. Dean needs him, and he needs to just get passed his pitiful crush to comfort his best friend. He stands, pulling Dean to his feet as well before wrapping his arms around him. Dean melts against his body, arms snaking themselves around Castiel’s waist, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt while he buries his face in Castiel’s neck.

Castiel doesn’t dare let himself close his eyes and lose himself in the moment, so he trains his eyes forward, watching the fireflies flicker in the early summer darkness.

“He’ll come back, Dean,” he says, voice sounding way too loud the surprisingly still night.

“I don’t know... You should’ve heard him and Dad the other night. It was… it was really bad, Cas. What if that was the final straw?” Castiel can feel each word whispered against his skin.

He bites the inside of his cheek hard and increases his focus on the yellow lights that pop in and out of the blackness. “If there’s anything he’ll come back for- it’s you. You’re his brother and he won’t leave you behind. In the meantime, I’ll help you look for him.”

A shaky breath tickles his neck. “Thanks, Cas. I… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Castiel gives up then- allowing his eyes to slip shut, arms tightening just slightly around Dean. He soaks up every single second Dean’s in his arms and he’s in Dean’s. He loses himself in-

The stillness is corrupted by the loudness of Dean’s phone ringing. He scrambles out of Castiel’s grasp and digs it out, answering it without looking at the caller ID.

“Sam?” his voice is bright with hope. Castiel holds his breath, watching Dean’s expressions as they shift from hope to disappointment before lighting up again.

“You found him? Lis, you’re fucking amazing! I’ll be right over,” Dean says, relief washing over his features as he hangs up.

Castiel’s stomach twists at the name, bile rising in his throat. He’s more than relieved to know Sam is safe, but of course it had to be Lisa, of all people, to find him.

He masks the disappointment with a smile. “Lisa found him?”

Dean nods, already headed towards the corner of Castiel’s yard and speaking over his shoulder. “Yeah! Her parents own that motel on the other side of town and when her dad was there, he saw Sam walking around alone and called Lisa.”

Castiel can only follow numbly. “That’s great, Dean.”

He steps on the brick wall of the flowerbed and pulls himself over the fence- they’re tall enough now they can reach without using the tree if they have a step up. Dean straddles the fence, looking down at Castiel.

“I’ll call you once everything is settled. Thanks, Cas. For everything.” And then he’s gone, leaving Castiel alone in the yard with the fireflies dancing around him.

He shouldn’t have let himself close his eyes.

*****

  
**Twenty Two Years Old**

The chilled glass in his hands freezes his fingers, but Castiel still clutches the iced tea close to him as he stares up at the dark storm clouds rolling in. The front is making a strong wind cool the hot and humid air. It’d be wise to go inside before it arrives, but he likes when it storms, especially in the summer.

They have an intensity to them that isn’t really achieved in the other seasons.

An arm wraps around his waist and he leans into it mechanically. “Castiel, you should come inside. That storm looks like it’ll be a nasty one,” a smooth, accented voice purrs to him.

He hums. “That’s the point.”

Balthazar chuckles. “What use will my boyfriend be if he’s been struck dead by lightening or swept away by a tornado?”

Castiel snorts, taking a sip of the tea. “Nothing will happen to me. Dean and I always sit outside and watch the storm fronts, and we’re both still alive.” He automatically regrets bringing up Dean because then Balthazar huffs in annoyance.

“Well, Dean’s not here right now, and I say we should go inside. You still have packing to get done if we’re to leave on time in the morning.”

He frowns. “I’m sorry. I know you’re not the biggest fan of Dean, but he’s my best friend, Balthazar. You must accept that.”

Balthazar lets his arm slip from his waist. “You and I both, Castiel.”

Something about those words sends Castiel on the defense and he looks sharply at Balthazar. “What are you implying?”

Balthazar sighs, scrubbing a hand down his face. “You know perfectly well what I mean. You’ve had a crush on him for years and you say you’re over it now, but that doesn’t just go away. I think you need to remind yourself that he’ll always see you as nothing more than his best friend. He’s made that obvious.”

Anger erupts in Castiel’s stomach as he glares at Balthazar, using his years of practice to conceal the hurt. “Do you think I’d be going away to England for the entire fucking summer with my _boyfriend_ if I still had feelings for Dean?”

Balthazar looks taken aback at the hardness of his tone and holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay okay, I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Castiel relaxes, but he’s still on edge, looking back to the menacing clouds. “It’s fine. Please just… give me a moment to enjoy my home for a few minutes more.”

A pair of lips presses against the corner of Castiel’s downturned mouth. “Of course, Castiel. I’ll be inside waiting.”

He says nothing more and just listens to Balthazar’s retreating footsteps, the back door opening and closing, and the leaves rustling together from the strong wind. A low rumble sounds in the distance, suggesting the storm is getting closer.

Castiel ignores it. Instead, his eye catches the flash of something yellow and he identifies it when it flashes again. A firefly.

If it weren’t for this storm, the sky would be painted with the colors of sunset and he’d be seeing more fireflies emerging for their evening show. He wonders why this one is flying around alone. Even though it’s just an insect, he wants to warn it- that a storm is coming.

He stares at the intermittent light as his own storm of thoughts builds in his head with Balthazar’s comment rumbling the loudest.

_“He’ll always see you as nothing more than his best friend. He’s made that obvious.”_

Now that he’s alone, he lets the hurt blossom from under the mask and it chokes him. Balthazar was right. He does still have feelings for Dean, but they’ll always be unrequited. They’re twenty two now and Castiel’s sure if anything more was going to happen between them, it would’ve happened long ago.

He needs to accept the truth for what it is, and Balthazar is helping him with that.

“Cas?” The familiar voice calls over the wind and Castiel tears his gaze away from the lone firefly to see Dean pulling himself over the top of the fence and dropping down gracefully into Castiel’s yard. Years of the act, and several accidents, have near perfected Dean’s landings.

Normally, he’d be happy to see Dean, but this is the worst time. He can’t see him- he _doesn’t want_ to see him. He already had his last day with Dean yesterday and made his peace about leaving, even though Castiel didn’t let on it would be the last time either one of them saw each other until summer was over. He just wanted to go quietly and hoped Dean wouldn’t be too pissed at him. He even asked Sam to keep Dean busy all day so that he wouldn’t wander over to Castiel’s house, or call, for that matter.

“Dean? I thought you and Sam were working on some cars with your dad today. What are you doing here?”

The way Dean strides to him, shoulders tense with those green eyes hard and watching him closely. “What the fuck, Cas? I have to hear from Sam you’re leaving for fucking England?”

Castiel silently curses Sam for spilling his secret. He knew he shouldn't have confided in Sam because Dean can tell whenever Sam's keeping a secret and is an expert at prying it out, but Castiel really needed his help keeping Dean preoccupied today, so he took the chance.

“Dean-“

“No, shut the fuck up. What the hell are you thinking? You were just gonna leave and not even tell me where you disappeared to?” Dean stops in front of him, his features even more intense being so close.

He huffs impatiently, fingers tightening around the glass cup. “Because I knew it would upset you. I just wanted to enjoy our time together before I left without you being unhappy with my decision.”

Realization crosses Dean’s face and his eyes darken. “So that’s why... Jesus Christ, Cas! You already said your goodbyes to me yesterday? You didn’t even want me to go to the airport with you?”

“Your presence at the airport is unnecessary. Balthazar has a car picking us up and we’re going to be gone long before the sun rises.”

Hurt flashes across Dean’s face but it’s quickly covered with more anger. “I don’t trust him, Cas. You’ve only been with him a couple months and you’re jetting off to the other side of the world with him? You barely know him!”

“I know him well enough to know he cares about me and if he wants me to spend the summer in England with his family, then why wouldn’t I go?”

Dean’s eyebrows shoot up. “You’re… you’re meeting his family? Un-fucking-believable.”

The way Dean barely breathes out the word that’s laced with disbelief sets something off in Castiel.

“Don’t even give me that shit, Dean. It’s perfectly fine for you to scour bars and clubs for someone to keep your bed from being lonely at night but the moment I find someone who loves me, I’m the crazy one for wanting to keep them longer than a week?” Castiel seethes, because it’s not fucking fair.

He only has himself to blame for feeling any of this. There was a moment he gave himself hope that he had a chance with Dean a couple years ago. They graduated high school and Castiel enrolled at the local community college because he still had no idea what he wanted to pursue, whereas Dean had no interest in college. Said the little money he had saved would go to Sam whenever he went to college and how he needed to stay behind and be there for his dad anyway.

When Lisa went away to college, Castiel had to watch Dean try to maintain their relationship. It was all in vain though because Lisa broke up with him not even two months after she went away- something about needing someone who will want more out of life than fixing up cars.

It was the first time Dean was single since they were twelve, and Castiel hoped he could finally have his shot. He was so terribly wrong. Dean decided now that he was single, he’d move out on his own and meet new people- and he sure did meet a lot of new people. Not that Castiel’s surprised. Dean is one of the most beautiful people he’s ever seen. Of course everyone would trip over each other for the chance to share Dean’s bed.

No one ever stuck around long, and Castiel’s hope disintegrated to nothing when week after week, whenever he and Dean went out, a new face would cozy their way into Dean’s side and when they parted for the night, Dean never went home alone.

That’s what made Castiel decide to stop hoping. He needed to put himself out there so he could finally get his heart from longing for Dean. It seemed like a good plan. It took a while of searching, but then he met Balthazar, who was nearly as charming at Dean- not that the two could ever compare.

So now that Balthazar wants to whisk him far away from Dean, Castiel didn’t give it a second thought. He needs to separate himself from Dean if he wants to truly move on. He needs this because frankly, he can’t take it anymore. It’s either get his heart off of Dean and more attached to Balthazar, or tell Dean they can’t be friends. And he’d really like to remain friends with Dean, which is why he desperately needs to get away for a couple months.

And it’s just not fucking fair for Dean to do this to him. It’s been hard enough as it is.

Lightning flashes across the sky with a loud crack of thunder following soon after, but neither of them react to it. Castiel is glaring at Dean, fuming under his skin and Dean looks shocked at what he said.

“What did you say?”

“You heard me,” Castiel growls. “If you were my best friend, you’d support me.”

Dean’s lips twitch, hands turning into fists at his side. “Well, if you were my best friend, you wouldn’t be leaving like this.”

They hold each other’s gaze for a long moment and Castiel’s not sure what else there is to say. He wanted to avoid this, but he should’ve known better. Nothing ever pans out the way he wants.

“You should go. I have to pack,” he mutters finally.

Dean laughs humorlessly. “I can’t believe you’re really doing this.” Castiel just stares at him, waiting for him to leave. Dean smirks, his green eyes that are normally soft and inviting are cold as they stare back at him.

“Fine. Go off to England. Marry Balthazar and drink shitty tea all day. I don’t care. But while you’re sitting there eating your stupid crumpets, just remember you’re the one who left. Not me. So fuck you, Cas.” Dean turns away and starts stalking back across the yard.

And that’s it. The thing that makes him snap. He slams his glass of tea on the patio, glass shards flying around his legs and the sound makes Dean spin around.

“No, Dean, you don’t get to say that! You don’t get the last word! I can’t fucking do this anymore! I can’t keep watching you-“ he cuts himself off. He can’t admit to Dean the real reason why he’s leaving. “I didn’t want us to part like this. But if this is how you want to end it, then fine. Fuck you too, Dean. Don’t bother contacting me while I’m gone.”

Dean opens his mouth to respond but Castiel shakes his head. “I don’t care what you have to say. Just go.”

A flicker of sadness crosses Dean’s face and for a moment, Castiel’s almost certain Dean is about walk back over to him, but he turns and pulls himself onto the top of fence and disappears on the other side.

Castiel is alone. Not even that firefly is here anymore. It had the good sense to take cover because the clouds that have been looming overhead are finally opening up, letting down a pelting rain that stings when it makes contact and the wind is howling all around him, lightning flashing in the sky with thunder clapping above him so loud it vibrates in Castiel’s bones.

He sinks to the ground, unable to withhold the choked sob that escapes him, tears burning in his eyes. He doesn’t even care how the glass on the patio cut into his legs through his jeans.

He just lost his best friend because he couldn’t stop himself from falling in love with him.

This is price he must pay now.

*****

  
It’s funny how it doesn’t matter where a person is in the world, they are still able to find the same constellations, the same moon. And it’s funny how sometimes the stars are breathtakingly beautiful and filled with magic some nights, but other nights they’re just reminders of how insignificant it all is. Stars look so close together, but in reality, they’re miles and miles apart.

The stars are alone.

The occasional firefly floats over his head, supplying a burst of yellow glow against the starry, black backdrop. Like the stars, they’re alone too. Sure, there are plenty of them out and dancing their way through the air- even this late in the night. But it’s just an effort to be noticed. Because, like everything else, all they are is alone, hoping another sees their message and responds with their own lonely flash of light.

Castiel stares up at them and the stars, mind numb with the exception of those thoughts. He doesn’t feel anything. Perhaps at a different point in his life, he’d be concerned that he’s lying in the middle of a park at two in the morning staring up at the sky.

But he feels nothing. And he’s okay with that.

He’s already felt too much emotion- so much that it’s all been drained from his body. He has nothing more to give.

That’s a good thing, right? It means he reacted the way a person should react to discovering that the person he traveled across the world with was cheating on him. He yelled his betrayal, he cried his tears, he drowned his loneliness in alcohol, and then he left empty.

It’s the middle of July and he’s back home when he wasn’t supposed to be until the end of August. To top it off, thanks to jetlag, he’s been unable to sleep whenever night fell. The first couple of nights he couldn’t sleep, he stayed up reading books. They helped pass the time, but he wasn’t enjoying them the way he did before and he didn't want to tarnish those universes with his nonexistent feelings.

So here he is, in a park he’s fairly certain he could get tossed out of if he were caught, staring up at the universe he’s stuck in.

Since returning, he’s avoided thinking about how much he misses Dean. They haven’t spoken since that fight in Castiel’s backyard a month ago. That’s the worst part of this whole unfortunate summer. Not that Balthazar played him for a fool, not how that trip was an entire waste of time and money.

It’s how he lost Dean.

If it weren’t for that stupid fight, Dean would’ve been the first person Castiel called, the person to pick him up at the airport instead of Gabriel, the person who would simply be there to help Castiel get over it all. If Castiel could take it all back, he would.

Then again, that could be his loneliness talking. Even if they forgave each other, Castiel would still be pining for his best friend while watching him find love with everyone else but him. He just needs to move forward with his life without Dean.

His eyes slip close and he listens to everything around him, hoping it’s enough to shut his mind off for an hour before he needs head back home.

He’s not sure how long he lays there with his eyes closed- a couple minutes? Half an hour?- before he hears footsteps making their way towards him. It takes him a moment to register the sound and his eyes fly open as he sits up. His head swivels around until his gaze falls on a dark body and he begins to scramble up, not waiting for his eyes to adjust in the darkness to see who it is.

A hand flashes out to grasp his shoulder and keep him in place and he’s about to scream when a voice he knows too well speaks up.

“Hey, hey it’s okay, Cas. It’s me.”

Dean.

He instantly relaxes, though his breathing is ragged from the panic and he sinks back to the ground. “Dammit, Dean- why would you sneak up on someone at this time of night?”

He snorts quietly. “I’m pretty sure the rules say no one’s allowed here after dark.”

Castiel frowns, laying back down and returning his eyes to the sky. “What are you doing here?”

Dean lays down next to him, but not too close. “I heard you were back. Figured I’d… I don’t know- come see how you were.”

Castiel snickers under his breath. “In the middle of the night? How did you know I’d even be here, let alone awake?”

“I’m aware of the concept of jetlag, Cas. And when I called your phone to see if you were awake, Gabriel picked up and told me where you were. By the way- I’d be concerned that Gabriel has your phone.”

He groans. He knew he should’ve taken his phone with him, but he just wanted to be alone with no way anyone could contact him. “Well, here I am.”

“Here you are,” Dean echoes.

“I’m sure you heard what happened, or at least have an idea since I’m back so early. Did you come to say ‘I told you so’?” his voice is more bitter than he intended it to be, but he can’t help it. Seeing Dean is just too much- especially knowing Dean sought him out at two in the morning.

He catches Dean flinch out of the corner of his eye. “No. I came to make sure you’re okay.”

The softness in Dean’s voice makes Castiel’s heart ache, but he can’t let himself have Dean again. He can’t keep torturing himself with these stupid feelings. “Well, I’m fine. You can go now.” It’s harsh, it’s cold, and despite how much they hurt to say, Castiel hopes it’s enough to drive Dean away from him. Leave him alone in this miserable park.

A shaky breath is exhaled next to him but Dean still doesn’t make a move to leave. “I know you’re hurt. What that bastard did to you- I wish I could beat his fucking face in. He took something amazing and just… He didn’t deserve you, Cas. He didn’t realize what he had when he had it and took you for granted. And he hurt you. He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.”

A lump in his throat starts to suffocate him because the more Dean talks, the more Castiel’s beginning to suspect Dean’s not talking about Balthazar.

He silently gets to his feet and starts walking across the grassy park, not sure where he’s headed as long it’s away from here because he’s pretty sure he might start crying and he can’t let Dean see it.

“Cas?” There’s the scuffling of Dean getting up and then suddenly he’s being turned around so that he’s starting into moonlit green eyes. “Cas, please. _Talk_ to me.”

The way Dean’s voice sounds so pained despite his efforts of trying to conceal it just make Castiel angry. He rips his shoulder from Dean’s grasp.

“Why should I?”

Dean’s hand drops at his side. “Because you’re my best friend. Because we’ve been there for each other through everything. Because I… I need you, Cas.”

Castiel swallows thickly around the growing lump in his throat. He can’t even yell anymore without tears making an appearance. So instead of yelling, a small, almost child-like voice whispers out his last retaliation.

“I can’t, Dean.”

And suddenly he’s crying. Despite all efforts to keep it contained, hot tears are running down his face and his whole body is trembling. Then Dean’s strong and safe arms are wrapping around him and all Castiel can do is hide his face in his shoulder.

“Cas, I’m a fucking idiot. I’m sorry,” Dean breathes.

He shakes his head. “No, it’s my fault. I… I want you, Dean. I’ve wanted you since we were little and I let my petty feelings get in the way of our friendship. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t…”

“W-what?”

Castiel sighs. “I’m sorry. I tried to make myself stop but… I love you, Dean. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’m sorry.”

Dean pulls him away enough to look at him but Castiel keeps his eyes lowered. He can’t bear to see Dean’s appalled expression at his confession. Gentle fingers lift his chin though and he meets Dean’s gaze, which are full of emotion, but Castiel can’t place any specific one.

“You,” Dean’s voice gives out and he has to compose himself before speaking again. “You love me?”

Castiel nods shyly.

Dean breathes out, moving his hands to either side of Castiel’s face before pulling him in for a kiss. Castiel gasps in surprise against his lips but Dean doesn’t pull away and all Castiel can do is melt against him.

For a moment, he loses himself in Dean. He gets lost in the way Dean’s thumb strokes his cheek, the slight tremble of Dean’s lips against his, and the careful but desperate way their mouths move with the other’s.

Dean’s the one to break away, leaning his forehead against Castiel’s with ragged breaths escaping his parted lips.

“I don’t understand,” Castiel whispers. It should be blaringly obvious what it means, but Castiel’s mind can’t make sense of any of it.

Dean steps away from him, turning his back with his hands locked behind his hand- something Castiel knows he does when he’s trying to process something big.

“Cas, do you remember the night we met?” Dean asks abruptly without turning to face him.

How could he forget? It’s the day he fell in love, even if it took some time to trace his feelings back that point. “Of course I do.”

Dean’s quiet for a moment, every second that passes by feeling like its own eternity, before he speaks up again. “I think about that night a lot. I never thought…”

Dean faces him again, but not moving any closer. “I never thought that I would grow up to realize that the kid who helped me catch fireflies in his backyard would be it.”

Castiel’s breath hitches in his throat. Is Dean saying what he thinks he’s saying? Before Castiel can get himself to say something, Dean continues talking.

“I was so stupid. I-I didn’t know what to make of it. I knew you were one of the most important people in my life but hell, it took me so damn long to realize the truth. And when I did, I was so scared, Cas. I was scared you didn’t feel the same way. I was scared I’d ruin everything- scared I’d lose you.”

Castiel bites his lip. “But you loved Lisa.”

Dean chuckles, but there’s no humor in it. “No, I didn’t. She was important to me, yeah, but what I felt for her couldn’t even compare to what I felt for you. We were kids when we started going out and after being together all those years, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her. And I tried so hard to make myself love her, but she called me out on it. She knew how I felt about you and ended it.”

Castiel scrunches his eyebrows together. “But you said she broke up with you because she wanted you to be more than a mechanic?”

Dean snorts, a smile pulling the corner of his mouth up. “You think I was gonna tell you the truth and risk scaring you away?”

A smile ghosts over his lips but there’s still one more thing that still isn’t explained. “What about all those other people after Lisa?”

Dean glances away from him, looking ashamed. “I was just trying to get my mind off you, Cas.”

Castiel laughs, which causes Dean to furrow his eyebrows at him. “What?”

He shakes his head. “We are hopeless, aren’t we?”

Dean grins and closes the space between them again. “Completely.”

Castiel smiles at him, heart fluttering and full of love and he feels like this has to be some sort of dream. Dean cups his face and leans in to ghost his lips over Castiel’s. “I love you, Cas. I’m sorry it took so long for me to say it.”

Castiel tilts his chin so that he presses a long, lingering kiss to Dean’s lips before murmuring against them. “I love you too, Dean. I promise never to withhold those words from you again.”

Dean grins before stepping back and taking Castiel’s hand in his. “Hey, before we go home- do you want to catch some fireflies?”

Castiel chuckles. “This late?”

Dean shrugs shyly, cheeks darkening in the moonlight. “Yeah, why not? For old time’s sake?”

Castiel bites his lip to keep the smile from beaming out of him. “Who knew you were so sentimental.”

Dean snickers, cupping Castiel’s face and reuniting their lips once again and murmuring against them, “Only for you.”

They walk through the empty park together under the blanket of stars, laughing and capturing the blinking lights along the way. The moon lights their way with the help of fireflies that continue to put on their lightshow for whoever may be watching. Which each blink of yellow that gets released from cupped hands, Castiel silently thanks it.

He thanks it because all those years ago, it was the thing that brought Dean to whisper through his fence in his time of loneliness. It was the thing that gave him a friend when he needed one the most. It was the thing that showed Dean he could trust Castiel.

Because of that, their paths became woven together. Whenever there was darkness, they lit up each other’s world.

And as many times as Castiel would wish for different circumstances over the years, if he were given a chance to change anything, he wouldn’t. The road they’ve taken may not have been the easiest, but it’s led them to this point- they’ve come full circle.

Castiel could not be any happier.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](http://blissfulcastiel.tumblr.com)


End file.
